The Dancer

Judith walked slowly, reluctantly, into the lobby of the mental-health clinic. Through the glass inner doors she could see a long desk, behind which two young women fielded questions. An older, overweight, woman sat on a couch to Judith's left.

Judith gazed at the chubby woman. "Is that what the meds do to you after a few years?" she wondered silently.

"Are you going in or not?" a man behind Judith said.

Judith went inside. She had no choice. She was sure that she wasn’t mentally ill, but her father thought that she was and had made this appointment for her. If she failed to keep the appointment, he would punish her severely. She checked in at the desk, forcing herself to smile as she did so. She sighed and sat down to wait for the psychiatrist to call her. A man and a woman sat on her left. They looked trashy.

A short but attractive man came in. "Whazzup, Mary?" he said to the clerk who had checked Judith in. His face beamed so brightly that he could have been in love with the woman.

"Nothing much, Kevin," Mary said to the man.

"How's your boyfriend?" Kevin asked. So he was not in love with Mary. Then why was he so happy to see her? Judith decided that, like many mentally ill people, Kevin must simply be very excitable.

The psychiatrist diagnosed Judith as bipolar and prescribed lithium for her. Her father took the prescription from her, went to the pharmacy, and bought the lithium himself.

"Take it," he said to Judith. "Now."

Judith, glowering, swallowed one of the oblong, pink capsules.

"Now can I go to folk dancing?" she said. "Or don't 'mentally ill' people folkdance?"

Judith arrived at the folk dance club at 7 pm. She looked around. The young women wore bright peasant skirts. The men wore bright peasant shirts. They all, including Judith, wore leather belts that would stay clamped shut under considerable stress.

Judith squatted down to put on her dancing shoes.

"Hi, Judith," her friend, Jim, said. "This is Kevin. It's his first time here."

Judith looked up -- into the eyes of the man from the clinic. So mentally ill people did folkdance. Or try to learn, anyway. Judith stammered a "hello" and quickly found an excuse to get away from Kevin; she didn't associate with mentally ill people.

A man named Hassan went to the middle of the dance floor and stood there, tall and confident.

Jim stood to his left. He took hold of Hassan's belt; Hassan reciprocated. Judith walked up and took the third place in the dance line, holding Jim's belt tightly. Jim grasped the right side of Judith's belt. Her friend Anita clutched the left side of Judith's belt. The line continued to form.

Kevin waited until all the dancers held onto each others' belts. Then he ran, grinning, to take the last place in line. What, was he suicidal? The last place in line was dangerous for beginning folk dancers. But Judith decided that she didn't care what happened to some crazy guy.

The dancers quieted down. The music started. A deep, tricky, near-Eastern beat. A reed instrument's high-pitched squawk.

Judith was a beginner too, but she didn't make a mistake. Not this time, anyway.

Hassan led the line in a circle to the left. The dancers followed until they were spiraled tightly around him. He turned, sharp, to the right and danced back out of the spiral. Jim's body swiveled 180 degrees when he turned to follow Hassan. Judith had to turn to follow Jim, but she was ready. Anita had to run to keep up with Judith as she turned. The reed became loud and then louder.

Finally, the ripple of Hassan's turn reached Kevin. Because Kevin had no one on his left to hold him down, he was vaulted into the air. With a loud whoop he landed, safe, six feet from where he left the floor.

The dancers cheered for him. Judith was surprised to find that she felt a sense of relief.

The drums beat faster, deeper now. The reed raised its pitch to an excited, exciting shriek. Judith's face felt hot. Her heart pounded. Again Hassan wound the dancers up like the springs on a clock. Again Kevin flew off his feet, higher this time. He was an experienced folkdance after all; he must have learned folk dancing at some other dance club.

As the dancers cheered again, the song ended. In perfect unity, they all slapped their right feet onto the floor in front of themselves.

The dancers let go of each others' belts. Some dancers laughed. Some asked what the next song would be.

Judith was quiet. Tears streamed down her face.

"Oh, God," she thought. "I'm as excitable as Kevin is, crying just because I liked that dance song so much."

Anita was baffled. "Why are you crying, Judith?" she asked.

"Why aren't you crying?" Judith said. She knew now that she was mentally ill, but Anita didn't have to know too.

As Judith wiped her eyes, Anita told her boyfriend, "The crack-the-whip dance makes Judith cry."

Judith looked up. She met Kevin's gaze. He was laughing out loud, he was so excited. His laughter made him seem likable, attractive. It occurred to Judith that her excitability might make her seem attractive too.

Judith wondered if she should tell Kevin that she was mentally ill, that she belonged to the same community he was a member of. She decided that she should.

In fact, she would be proud to tell him.